Reflecting on how it all began and unfolded, my journey took a significant turn in 2019. At that point, I decided that the way life was unfolding did not make much sense. Something was definitely not right, and there was a prevailing sense that it should be and can be different. The fact that I could not control how I acted and reacted in social situations was causing me so much restlessness. This burden of not having control over life had reached a point of absurdity. It became evident that the prevailing approach to life was flawed, though I lacked the tools to counter it.
One ordinary day, while seated and observing a Buddhist monk share thoughts on meditation, a simple statement resonated deeply within me: “We cannot control our thoughts and emotions,” shared the monk. Reflecting now on this moment, this is probably one of the most profound statements I have encountered. It simply meant there is no control center where thoughts and emotions arise and can be regulated. It was so simple, but I had never approached my inner emotional landscape in that way. I overlooked it for years. Motivated by this insight, I delved further into meditation, spiritual literature, and exploration. Meditation provided glimpses into the seamless nature of reality, often accompanied by profound and lasting peace. So, I knew it was the right path, and I had to simply continue exploring. I discovered that there is such a thing as awakening and enlightenment, where suffering has no place, where I do not exist!
The concept of awakening, particularly the idea of no-self, captivated my imagination. People talking about the dissolution of boundaries between internal and external realms intrigued me immensely. I was completely obsessed with finding the right pointers to discover this nature of no-self and awakening. One day, my quest led me to a book dedicated to direct pointers toward this realization. I started reading it with intense excitement. The pointers were deceptively simple, yet intuitively, there was this knowing that this makes sense. What is interesting, I realized that I had never questioned my direct experience in such a simple manner. I never thought that there is no need for the existence of self for sound to be heard or a thought to arise. This is simply happening.
The next morning, while reflecting on the book’s pointers during a walk, something profound occurred. It felt as though the sky had opened up, releasing a surge of energy from within me. A profound realization dawned: there is no separate-self orchestrating existence; life simply unfolds. Laughter and tears intertwined as the clarity of the realization washed over me. The peace I felt I had never felt before.
In the ensuing hours and days, the sense of agency was not present, leaving behind a profound sense of peace. However, this spiritual honeymoon phase persisted for weeks, gradually receding as familiar patterns of selfing, attachments, and emotional discomfort resurfaced. Yet, I took this as a reminder that there was more to explore and address. Over the following years, I delved deeper into the principles of openness, non-resistance, and allowing all experiences to arise without interference. I scrutinized subtle beliefs that perpetuated the illusion of a separate entity.
Eventually, everything ceased: time, restlessness, and, most significantly, the identification with the mind and stories that created tensions and suffering. Thought is not more than just a thought. The urge to change reality evaporated, replaced by a sense of unconditional freedom, peace, and equanimity. The sense and illusion of separation dissolved, leaving only the directness of the present moment, empty of ego but brimming with life.
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In the final phases of this process, when “everything ceased: time, restlessness, and identification with the mind”—was this a single, definitive moment, or did it unfold gradually? Was there a final, unmistakable realization of no-self, or did you notice over time that you had fully transitioned into living without a sense of self?
Liberation is a process, and while there is no secret recipe regarding its duration, it is usually slow and gradual. In general, and in practice, you’re not dealing with a fixed self but rather working with the process of selfing, which involves grasping at thoughts, identifying with them, and clinging to emotions, sensations, the body, belief in control and a doer etc. This process, when taken for granted, creates the illusory sense that there is a central entity operating. To be able to dismantle these beliefs, the process may take a few years for sure.